And then something makes you smile & remember that its all ok!

So after doing a bit of woe is me and whatnot last night (sorry....I think I'm PMSy) I worked on my chem notes and waited for my mom to get home from the hospital (my dad was admitted but this is kind of standard procedure with his heart problems) so she could fill me in. I then vegged out and went to sleep around 1am. That is a decent hour for me believe it or not!

Then morning came. I heard my mom up very early puttering around getting ready to visit my dad before she started work for the day. I haven't heard anything so I'm guessing they're doing another stress test and that everything is cool. (really not trying to downplay this its just we go through this about every 3 months with my dad and never get any real answers...just check back with your cardiologist). I somehow kept Princess Bear sleeping until 7:30am! Bliss pure and simple I tell you! I'm also very glad because obviously my stress level is taking its toll on me...I woke up feeling absolutely drugged. You know the feeling of taking benedryl the night before but it isn't anywhere near worn off? That would be what I felt like! I didn't take any benedryl though so I'm a bit puzzled. I mention this because I'm not really a morning person. Never have been. My standard line used to be "It better be tall, blonde and damn good to get me up in the morning" Now all the body wants is copious amounts of caffeine to enter my body the moment my eyes open!!! So since under the best of circumstances I'm not a morning person let alone now feeling extremely stressed, depressed and drugged and its picture day at school for Princess Bear (PB). AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I had picked out an outfit last night so I was good to go on that front. I told PB that she could take a shower or bath in the morning. The best way of dealing with her wild can barely be controlled mop of glorious red curly hair. So do you think that happened? OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This mommy didn't even get her butt moving until 8:15am (school starts at 8:45am!) I'm so an awful mom. I threw a poptart, some applesauce and milk at the kid while I tried taming the hair with detangling spray. I got the princess dressed and ready and out the door and she was only 3 minutes late for school. Not a perfect morning by any means but considered there was no blood shed and I was caffeinine free we weren't doing too badly!

Then it was off to my weekly meeting with my therapist. I am not one of those people that is upset that I see a therapist. I figure its my one hour a week to really let loose and explore myself and where I'd like to go and grow as a person. Anyway I digress. I fill in my therapist on the past weeks going ons and we explore some things like the fact that my interests in men is undergoing a very marked change. I've always been very into a man's man type of guy. That said I'm not looking for a testosterone driving caveman. I just want a man that is a football watching, fix my car and mow the grass but can still cuddle afterwards kind of guy. I'm still looking for those things but now all of a sudden I'm really becoming HUGELY turned on my intelligence. Not your average I'm a smart person and can hold my own intelligent. Rather I'm talking very deep, philosophically motivated, true to himself and more than book smart kind of intelligent. Is any of this making sense? Goodness I really feel like I'm babbling but that's ok. I'll get more into this another time. It was just a great session today. Made me look at some things and question even more so I'm a happy camper with that.

Then I come home and start the daily I'm going to check the computer and see what is going on in the world today. I check email, my ebay stuff and then move on to blogs. I love checking blogs its very calming and sometimes just downright hysterical (if you don't understand check out Jen on the Edge here I'm still laughing just thinking about todays post). Then I actually log into my blog to see if there are any comments. I love getting comments...it makes me feel like I'm not just talking to myself here! One of the comments waiting for me this morning was from Cameron...Wayne's son. Cameron is just one heck of a human being is all I can say! I read it and it immediately reduced me to a sobbing mess (in a good way). It was so nice to know that he's a really good kid (yes I know he's not a kid but you know what I mean!). It made me so happy that in spite of Wayne bailing on him that he's still very together and caring and for not really knowing him I'm incredibly proud of him. His mom obviously did one heck of a job. Since I'm still coming to grips with and finding out the extent of Wayne's many many many lies I have no idea how much Wayne really had to do with the kind of incredible person that Cameron has grown up to be but I hope there is something of him in there. It made me remember that in spite of it all Wayne really did have some goodness in him and that's what I loved. Its getting easier to deal with the fact he's gone (from my life) but I'll always love him and be glad for him to have been a part of my life and for me to be ok with it.