I remember parts of the night she was born but not much afterwards. The night before I had PB I talked to my "brother" Kyle for the first time in a few years. He'd always been an huge factor in my life and I really wanted him to be in PB's life as well. He'd recently moved back to this area and I was thrilled. Actually when I was first pregnant I was trying to decide between Kylie Rose, after Kyle, and Jordana Shai (what my name was supposed to be). I remember talking to Kyle for awhile and filling him in on all the things that had been going on. Then I went about cleaning the house and getting things ready. I don't remember what time I was supposed to be at the hospital for my induction. Not surprisingly I was late! I'll figure out how to be late for my own funeral! That morning I left the house, stopped by McDonald's and then drove to my parents house to pick up my mom. My mom drove to the hospital and from there on out it was a waiting game. I had a doula and we were all ready to go. Unfortunately there weren't any labor rooms available. Sue, the nurse that delivered me, came out to start as much paperwork as we could do before I was actually checked in and then it was a just sitting around waiting for a room to open up. A couple of hours later the show was on the road. My cousin Jen was my contact person to email Wayne (then fiancee who was deployed with the Navy at the time). They started the IV drugs to get the ball rolling and I remember Sue telling me that they start with the lowest dose possible and then increase over a couple of hours until labor is progressing the way the Dr. wants. She warned me that I might not even notice much difference the first hour or so. Seriously???? They started the Pitocin and I was having regular and oh so noticeable contractions within 20 minutes! Sue thought that was a good sign. Just before noon a Dr. came in to break my water. They then started using an internal monitor on the baby. That was the first bit of my birthing plan out the window. The next several hours were a lot of visitors including then BFF Jessi. and a whole lot of not a lot. They did decide that I would not be allowed out of bed because there was some risk of the cord prolapsing. I had planned on no epidural and walking and showering throughout labor. Well last time I checked you couldn't walk or shower in bed. I was not a happy camper. I watched TopGun and then napped for awhile. I've got to say that the first couple rounds of IV meds were really great! At that point I was still ok with the no epidural stance. There were a few things that I was really against before going into the hospital to have PB. They were:
1) using an internal monitor
3) C- sections
At this point 1 has flown out the window. Around 3:30pm I was in a fair amount of pain with the contractions coming fairly regularly. At this point I have to say that having a doula was the best decision I made about the labor and delivery process. She was so incredibly soothing and helpful. She was great about telling me what options I had and what was going on. It was around that time that I decided that I would go for the epidural. The IV drugs weren't really touching the pain anymore and it didn't matter if I could feel my legs because I still wasn't allowed out of bed. Exit #2 if you're keeping track. Now if you want to ever hear an epidural from hell story let me know. It sucked and I was kicking myself....until that thing kicked in. Wow was that beautiful! I then proceeded to take a nap for about an hour and a half. Shortly after I woke up I looked at my mom and the doula and told them that something was wrong. They told me that I was being silly and that a nurse was monitoring everything up at the desk. For the next hour and a half I keep on telling them something was wrong. My OB-Gyn came in that evening and looked at the printout from the internal monitor. She then left the room and came back with the nurse that was supposed to be monitoring me. She grabbed the printout and asked how long it had been like that. PB was going into distress with each contraction. My OB then kicked the nurse out. She explained what was going on with PB and said that they were going to put me on oxygen to see if that would help the baby. The Dr. said that if it seemed to work that they would give it a few hours before making any other decisions. She also said that if it didn't work in that amount of time it would be time to consider a C-section. So they started oxygen and it didn't help PB at all. My Dr. came in 25 minutes later and said that PB was in too much distress and she couldn't wait any longer. It was time to prep for a C-section immediately. There goes #3 flying right out the window. I did manage to call my cousin Jen and fill her in on what was going on so she could tell Wayne. He knew how scared I was of a C-section so he knew that things weren't going well if I had agreed to one. I was so glad that I had decided to go for an epidural earlier because at this point I would have been screwed 30 ways to Sunday if I hadn't. The last thing I told my mom before being wheeled into surgery was to stay with the baby if there was anything wrong.
Once I was in surgery I remember very little. They crank up the meds going into the epidural and make sure you can't feel anything and then get started. Things were moving pretty quickly and I just felt like I was freezing. I do remember at one point someone pointing out to the Dr. how much blood I had lost. Then I remember nothing until the Dr. handed my mom PB so my mom could bring her to me. Her eyes were wide open and she was so red. Since she'd been in distress red was a good thing. Then they whisked her off and did all the Apgar tests and other things they do with newborns. That includes special eye drops which makes no sense since she was a C-section baby. PB didn't like those eye drops and didn't open her eyes for almost a month after that. I don't remember at what point my mom realized something was off with PB but she did. She kept on asking and being given different reasons but basically everyone brushed off her concerns. My mom stuck to PB like glue and finally said that if someone didn't call in the Pediatrician she was calling him and home and having him come down ASAP. I guess they realized she was serious because the finally called him. From there things got dicey but honestly I was in recovery shivering and shaking by myself. My mom came in for a minute to tell me what she was concerned about and asked if I wanted a priest called in. So enter Monsignor. A bit later Jessi came and was keeping me company in recovery. She was awesome and keep on top of stuff. Had them get more blankets. She kept on telling them that I wouldn't complain about pain unless I couldn't handle it anymore. A nurse looked at her and told her when I was supposed to get the next dose of pain meds. She informed them that they needed to call the OB because there was no way I was going to make it that long. The next couple of hours were a huge blur. Monsignor came in and blessed PB. I was taken to a room and was still pretty out of it. Occasionally I would look up and see my mom, Jessi and Nika taking turns holding PB and my mom constantly crying. At some point Nika asked if I'd held the baby and they said no since I was so out of it. She then said that I had to hold the baby and she'd help. What a friend. I honestly am not sure if I tried nursing that night or not. I was all for breastfeeding and no pacifiers.
The next couple of days were a game of hurry up and wait while they were planning tests for PB. They sent in a lactation specialist right away figuring that I would have to pump to build up a decent milk supply since it was a sure bet that she was going to be having surgery in the near future. I was released after 6 days but PB was having issues with billirubin and was in for a few more.
PB was a pretty chill baby from the start. She was a night owl like her mama and didn't like anything on her head or being wrapped up too tight. No swaddling for that baby! I'm not sure when I fully grasped the extent of challenges that PB would face. I think for awhile I was on autopilot. I'm not sure when I realized that things weren't as they were "supposed" to be. I can say that living with PB has taught me that living life with a sense of how things are supposed to be is not a good way to live. She has taught me to roll with a whole lot. I was pretty chill before I had her but had to become even more so after. She taught me how to celebrate things even little things. She also taught me how to not worry too much. Things change and often times they change rapidly. She taught me about love. She taught me about hope. She taught me about how to persevere. I always thought I'd be the one teaching my child things. I'm so grateful for the things that she's taught me.
Happy Birthday Baby Girl! Mama loves you soooooooo much!