Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The heart is a funny frustrating thing!

I don't know why I'm just now broaching this subject. Perhaps because I'm still somewhat afraid of someone I don't want finding it coming across my blog. Ever since an ex of mine found it I've worried. Its just I need to sort out some feelings about Steve. Haven't heard that name have you? Steve is a dear friend of mine and Princess Bear (PB). I adore Steve in ways that I don't even understand and I'm not the only one. PB is a one child Steve adoration platoon. Steve is a family friend- kind of. PB & I are closest to him. His brother is our mechanic and close to the whole family and we know several other brothers too. Steve used to work for his brother which is how we met him as he'd previously been living in another state. I guess I should have been a bit leery as he has a pretty solid reputation of cutting people out of this life- especially family. Before he moved here he'd not talked to Frank for a long time. Karl and he had been very close and he'd cut out Karl & his family until recently. There's a lot of speculation on what Steve's issues are- most something definitely in the mental health family. As someone who's dealt with my own issues its pretty recognizable. That said Steve was a really great friend to me and PB. She adores her Steve as she calls him. One day we went to the garage to get something on the car looked at and she went bouncing into the back to find Steve and we found out that he'd quit. No warning, nada. The guys came in one day & found Steve had returned all the tools he'd been given as various gifts and a lawn mower. Ok- not particularly cool but not something we really needed to get involved in. PB was devastate that she couldn't see her Steve but really wasn't grabbing the full concept. I'd sent him a few text messages and never heard anything back. Steve isn't big on the phone in the first place so that wasn't much of a surprise. Steve & I were facebook friends and we talked on there occasionally and he always kept up with things I said on Facebook. Steve had been living with Frank & got his own place shortly before quitting Franks. Well finally after PB asking for her Steve on a very regular basis and having a fit when we did have to go deal with something on the car and him not being there I gave in and took her to his house to visit. He seemed to take it in stride and she was so thrilled.

Now here's my emotional disclosure on all of this. I have a thing for Steve. Won't even try to deny it. I am so attracted to this man in all ways possible- his intellect, we have common interests and I'm completely hot for his body. Now thats kind of a puzzler because he really isn't "my type". Just a refresher- my type is TALL (gotta be at least 6' but preferably taller), blonde, blue eyed and please be rocking a few tats ok! Well, Steve isn't that tall, has brownish blonde hair, green eyes and no ink. Hell- who these days other than my brother in law has no ink? Steve! Now all that said I'll do the short list (and this is just the short list) of what I like about the man. First of all he's scary smart and a smart funny guy is sexy as all hell! He's also crazy funny! The guy can and does make me smile on an almost constant basis. We both love reading, the same music- especially some of the same old school stuff. He was a skater and frankly the only person I've met in the last 15 years that knew who Natas Kapas is. One day I put some Ramones lyrics on Facebook & he was like "Yeah!". Love it! Then there is the fact that the guy is so good and caring with my daughter. It wasn't by any means what made my heart go pitter patter for the guy but it definitely clinched it. He never spoke down to her or treated her like she wasn't capable of understanding something. He was also protective of her. He lives near a grade school and there is a short cut from the school to the playground by his house. He was worried that she would sneak out of school one day and try to come visit him. Actually he worried that she wouldn't be home when she did it. Yeah- melt my heart.

Now I knew that I was into this guy. He was all of the above and I wanted him 30 different ways. That said I knew the most important thing was our friendship. Chances of relationships working out- especially mine are not high and friendships are precious. I made the call early on that I was fine if nothing happened between me and Steve as long as he and I remained friends and he was still an important part of PB's life.

I'll have to finish this up later- gotta get ready for OT & then babysitting! fun fun!

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