Monday, April 11, 2011

Everyone survived Spring Break!

I think Princess Bear for the most part enjoyed her Spring break. She got to see her cousins several times, watch enough Disney Channel to make my head hurt and even got to go out to lunch with just Mommy like a big girl. As always PB's listening sucks which of course is ALL my fault. That made for a few tense moments but for the most part it was a nice week. She went to my OT a few times with me and she thought that was cool since she gets OT services at school.

On that note my hand is still a mess. Its not hurting quite as much but something is definitely not right with it. My mom of course thinks this is all my fault and that if I need further surgery its just a way for me to get more attention. Um lets see- a)I was completely terrified to go into surgery and b)this surgery was a complete b*&ch to recover from. How crazy is she that she thinks I'd want to repeat this???? Don't answer- more and more I'm realizing how out of touch with reality my mom is. Love her but sure as hell can't help her so I guess thats where that stands. Last night PB & I were repotting some flowers in the kitchen. We got some really cute violas at HyVee and those are just so dang cheerful. There was potting dirt in the sink when we were done but I didn't rinse it out because my mom was taking a shower. If you turn on any water while someone is in the shower at our house you are either going to freeze or get scalded. Although my mom isn't my favorite person lately I didn't see any real advantage to rinsing out the sink. After we got done with the flowers we started PB's bedtime ritual. My mom then went into the kitchen and had a fit about the dirt in the sink and started screaming at me to clean it up. I tried explaining that she was in the shower. No trying to reason with her. So I start cleaning up the sink and then she starts yelling how I'm in her way and to get out of her way. OK- do you want me to clean this immeadiately just like you said or get out of your way like you said? Yes, once again reasonable and rational have come to roost in our house.

I took a trazadone last night a little after 10pm and although it took just about an hour to knock me out I was completely asleep by 11:15pm- go me! My game plan is to take my trazodone around 10pm every night- including the weekends- grrrrrrr! Then if I start sleeping I can tell Dr Singh that my insomnia is under control yet the Effexor really isn't doing much of anything. My anger and anxiety are also getting pretty bad. I want to feel better in general, make a plan to get PB & myself out of her and lead a happy and decent life away from my family. I just can't deal with their anger issues anymore. I have my own to deal with. I can't deal with my mom's issues- although I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she realizes that I really am not the root of her unhappiness.

There was a shower for my cousins fiancee over the weekend. Although I didn't make the trip because children weren't invited I still got to hear about all sorts of family drama when my mom came home. Am I the only one that can see that out of my dad and his 5 siblings that only 1 of them married a person that wasn't mentally ill? Makes me wonder what really went on in my dad's household growing up that they all made that choice. One of my aunts married someone who is bipolar/schzophrenic and her oldest daughter started having issues a few years ago. Now to everyones great surprise so is her youngest. Seriously??? Why are you people surprised????? My uncle is so bad he's on disability but you're surprised that his kids have issues? Even if you can grow up and not let this issues touch you there is still the chemical component. I've also started seeing my daughter and my oldest nephew playing the blame game because in my mom's world whenever ANYTHING happens there is always someone to blame. Never can it be a matter of life- it just happens. Oh no. My nephew threw up in bed and kept apologizing saying it was his fault. No buddy- it isn't your fault. You aren't feeling well and you're 3 years old. That is what happens! Again another thing that is reminding me that no matter how scared I am I really do need to get my shit straightened out so I can get myself & PB away from her. She adores her grandparents and they're the only ones she has but its just not ok anymore.

Well, I'm off to clean some dishes, do some laundry and then finish straightening up my room. Hopefully PB had a good first day back seeing as she didn't even want to get out of the car when she saw the class bully. Man- I really do want to hit that kid and his parents upside the head sometimes!

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