Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Life lessons

My sister and I have always joked that being stuck in the car with my mom is always a bad thing.  She takes full advantage of the situation and runs with it.  It's not like you're going to jump out of the car, right?  The other day Princess Bear (PB) and I were driving my mom down to the courthouse.  She was doing her civic duty and had to report for jury duty.  She out of no where asked me about my former best friend Jessi.  I told her that I had no idea how Jessi was doing.  She just kind of looked at me.  She asked if Maria & I talked about Jessi.  Nope not really.  No need.  It's not that I don't care necessarily its just that I don't give a damn.  If there was something awful going on with her I guess I could keep her in mind and pray for her but it's not like I would contact her.  I tried time and time again to patch things up with her.  You can't shake hands with a fist.  It would have been incredibly difficult for me to put everything behind and try to give the friendship another go but for quite awhile I was willing to try.  She'd been my best friend for over 2 decades.  I love her dearly.  That said I can now say that I don't trust her and can't depend on her so what is the point of trying to salvage the friendship?  I always think back to the night that I was putting together the canopy/tent for PB's bed.  It was a major PITA and not a one person job.  Unfortunately I was the only one around and had promised PB it would get done.  I called her and left a message LAUGHING saying something to the effect of "where are you when I need help!" and hung up.  She called me the next day all worried that something was really wrong.  Um, no.  I was told to not leave messages like that ever again.  Ok.  Then shit really hits the fan with my mother and she decides to use me as a punching bag- in front of my daughter.  I also know my mom well enough that if I would have hit her back she would have had my a$$ arrested in a second.  So as much as I hate it better to just block shots as well as possible and then document later.  I did something that night that I never, ever had done before.  I sent a text to Jessi, Maria and Monika asking for a place to stay for the night.  My mom was clearly out of control and said I had to get out of the house that night.  I don't know about where you live but you can't just show up and a homeless shelter and get a bed to crash in.  Here you have to do and intake process and then show up at a certain time.  I was mortified to send that text to my friends regardless of the fact that I considered them my 3 best friends in this world. They know how my mom is so that isn't exactly the point.  It's more the fact that I just don't discuss the blowups.  So I sent the text to the 3 of them.  Monika was the only who replied back that night.  She basically said that they didn't have a guest room anymore but if I needed to stay that she could put the baby in her room.  She also asked if I heard from Jess since she had the most room.  Again she said that if I needed to it could be figured out.  The next day I got a call from Maria asking what happened and if I was ok.  She had had her phone charging and didn't get the text until that morning.  NEVER did I hear from Jessi.  She evidently checked with Maria and heard that I was ok.  Excuse me?  You can't pick up the phone and call or text me?  Even if we hadn't been getting along very well at that point in time I still expected more from her.  I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would have certainly gotten in touch with her.  Checked on how she was really doing, if there was anything I could do or just listen.  You know those basics of being a friend.  A few weeks later when things finally came to a head with the whole thing she said something along the lines of "I don't want to live with you".  Um Jess don't want to live with you either.  Didn't ask to live with you.  I asked for a place to stay for the night.  The next day I could have called a shelter and hoped like hell there was an open spot.  While I loved the girl dearly she is definitely someone I would have never wanted to live with.  First of all I have found out that living with friends basically sucks.  Second of all she and I are way to different in the way we do and want things to ever try to live together.  We'd drive each other crazy.  I just needed a safe place to stay that night.  What was going on at home was way too traumatic for everyone involved and PB didn't need to be exposed to anymore bullsh#%. 

So while I can say that in some ways I still miss the friendship of someone who knows me better than anyone else in the world.  I also know that I can't be friends with someone that I can't trust or rely on.  I have never reached out to a friend like that before.  I guess it really did let me know who my friends are.  Sad but true.  I just want to know when the life lessons that you can look back on and smile come about. 

On that note I have purged and it's time to crash. 

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