Monday, December 29, 2014

Family is funny

On my dad's side of the family I'm the oldest of the 16 grandchildren.  My sister and I were the only ones raised in Central Illinois.  The rest of the family is in the Chicago land area where my dad grew up.  Well, a few of my cousins were born here but everyone migrated back to Chi-town and the burbs before anyone started school.  As a result I didn't spend a lot of time with my cousins growing up.  We would all get together for holidays and other big events but I certainly didn't see them often.  So while I love my cousins I can't say that I'm close with them.  There are two exceptions.  My cousins Laura and Nicole.  Laura and I have become much closer in the past few years as adults which almost makes it more special since this is a bond that we're chosen to create.  Princess Bear (PB) adores her Aunt Laura as she's been dubbed.  We text a lot and talk on Facebook on a regular basis.  We're very alike in a lot of ways.  Pretty rebellious, love and are driven by music in many ways, adore kids and live for Chicago Bears football (although I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that at the moment!).  The other cousin is a much younger cousin that I just feel the need to look out for.  Maybe she'll be a post another time. 

The other thing that Laura and I have in common is that our entire lives we had a huge drive to become mothers.  I know I've mentioned that I never thought PB would be an only.  My game plan had always been to have 4 girls.  Laura and I are the ones that everyone would always their baby on our laps and walk away.  It was cool.  Hand us a baby, even a screaming one, and we're cool.  It is very second nature to us.  Only time it didn't work is when my uncle handed me both of his 6 month old twins.  That shit requires a tag team thank you very much!  I guess my bottom line here is that there's never been any doubt that Laura and I were meant to be moms and that we wanted to be. 

One of the reasons Laura and I have grown closer in the last few years was the fact that she was going through fertility issues with her first husband and I tried my best to always be there for her even though we're several hours apart.  I would always try to send a text the night before or morning of an invetro attempt.  I'd check in a few days later to see how she was doing and then in a few weeks to see what the pregnancy test results were.  It was heartbreaking for me to see her go through so much and never have a successful pregnancy.  What made the last few attempts even worse is that per the Dr. there was no reason she shouldn't be getting pregnant (the first several attempts had been with her then husbands sperm but due to having testicular cancer he had a very low sperm count.  Then they tried donor sperm.  Should have worked like a charm but didn't).   They spent so much money and time on trying to get pregnant (her then husband refused to consider adoption for some reason).  About a year after their last IVF attempt they made the decision to divorce.  I think in his own way Chris was letting her go so she could find someone else to have a family with. 

After the divorce for awhile Laura was pretty burnt out on men.  I can so relate to that one.  It took me forever and a day to get beyond the head fuck my ex fiancee had administered and I could completely relate to her wanting to be single for awhile.  I think it was a really great opportunity for her to find herself again and work on what made her happy. 

Last November or December Laura started dating Clint.  He seems like a really nice guy.  I met him at a family wedding in May and really liked him.  My aunt has some issues since he's basically covered in tattoos but then again Laura has several.  Once my aunt got past his outward appearance and saw how well Clint balanced out Laura she was completely on board. Like me, Laura has her own demons called depression and anxiety.  It takes someone special to work through those highs and lows.  Clint seems to do it very well.  Things seemed to be going really well for them.  I remember asking her several months ago if there was going to be a wedding or baby anytime soon.  She seemed to think that she didn't really care if she ever got married again but would love to have a child with him.  A few weeks ago they announced there engagement.  I'm thrilled for them.  I'm so glad that Laura has found someone who compliments her so well. 

So what's the problem you ask?  The night before we left for Florida a few weeks ago my Aunt called to tell us to have a great time and travel safely.  We wound up chatting for awhile (I've always been super close to this Aunt).  I asked her about what wedding plans Laura had.  She said that she thought it'd be a small courthouse thing with a family party at some point later.  PB was horrified to learn that there wasn't going to be a big wedding and reception.  Such is life little girl.  I don't know how it came up but I asked my Aunt about kids in the future for them.  What she told me next completely floored me.  They plan on having no kids.  They don't want that responsibility.  All of a sudden little warning bells and lights started flashing.  I haven't talked to Laura much since we've been back but I know a chat is coming up.  I don't know how you end one marriage because your desire for children is greater than the love you have for the person you're married to and then you decided to marry someone else and not have any children.  As I type this I'm just kind of shaking my head. 

In my family whenever there was something to be said or a message that needed to be relayed my mom and I are always the loudmouths sent in.  After the conversation with my Aunt I kept on replaying it in my head.  I honestly don't know if she's trying to get me to ask Laura about this plan to remain childless or if it's my own not understanding that it making me feel like I should inquire.  Then there is the part of my telling me to keep my mouth shut (that part will probably lose).  I just suck at being tactful so I'm trying to put some time up before I broach this subject with Laura.  Maybe if I put enough time out there I won't say anything before they're married and I'll just keep my damn mouth shut.  Could be a plan! 

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