Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Need some input please!

I have a situation that has been going on for a few months that is really upsetting to me and I'm looking for some perspective & input so I'm going to have a contest for any said perspective & input! Please feel free (please please) to spread the word on this. I'll leave comments open for 2 weeks. The prize will be a $10 Target gift card or a Topsy Turvy Tomato planter. I will randomly pick from the comments to award the prize.

Some background info:
-I have been best friends with Jessi since we were 14 (we're now 36 & 37) and there is a group of us that have been best friends since the same time. The other two are Monika & Maria.
-Monika is married with 4 kids, Maria is married with 2 kids, I am unmarried with 1 child, and Jessi is unmarried & childless. Jessi is also in a relatively new relationship with someone named Andy. Maria, Monika & I are less than excited about this relationship because Andy has DEEPLY hurt Jessi more than once in they short time they've been together. I have expressed to Andy my distrust of him & his intentions.
-These friends of mine are fully aware of the situation at my house and the relationship with my mom. They have been witness to it for years.

Now onto the "situation"
One Sunday night in November my mom & I had a huge blowup and she told me she wanted me out that night. I sent a text message to my 3 best friends asking if I could stay with them for a night or so until I could get into a homeless shelter and figure out my next step (around here you cannot just go to a homeless shelter at any time. You have to check in and hope there is room- something that cannot be done on a Sunday night). I heard back from Monika very quickly asking what was going on & if I was ok. She said she didn't have a spare room at this time but she could put the baby in her room if I needed to stay. She also asked if I'd heard from Jessi since she had the most room out of the 3 of them. I replied back that I hadn't heard from Jessi but would let her know what was going on. Monika continued to check in with me throughout the evening to see how I was doing. I heard from Maria around 10:30pm and she asked what happened & if I was ok. Her phone had been off and charging. I never heard from Jessi that night. Nor the next day, or the day after that or anytime since. My mom & I worked through things (kind of) and I sent a text message to Monika & Maria telling them I was fine and would fill them in when I could talk. My feelings were horribly hurt as the week went on & I never heard from Jessi. This is supposed to be my best friend & I haven't heard word one from her. When I was having a 6 1/2 year old party for Princess Bear since she hadn't had her birthday party I had invited Maria & Monika & their kids. I then realized I was being small & sent Jessi a message since Princess Bear does love her. I told her about the tea party & her response was that she'd heard about it. Ok- I told her about it a few months earlier & couldn't quite figure out her deal. I asked her what the deal was & why she was being pissy. This someone led to a texting situation and finally she said she hadn't heard from me. Hmmm- maybe because I hadn't heard from you since a really bad situation in my life & I was a little hurt. Her response was "I love you but I cannot live with you" Well, I didn't ask to LIVE with you- I asked for a place to spend the night for a night or two! I think there is a huge difference! Jessi ended the texting with saying she didn't want to fight with me. No I'm sorry or anything along those lines. At that point I went from having my feelings very hurt to just being upset. I didn't try contacting Jessi in anyway for a few weeks. Jessi then sent me a text a few weeks later telling me that Zeus (her dog) was very ill. At first I was still so upset with her I didn't even want to deal with her or the situation. I also knew that I was being ridiculous & this wasn't the way a 22 year friendship should be played out. I sent her a text asking what was going on & to keep me posted. Shortly there after (either that night or the next day) I put "Sometimes friendships need to be evaluated" as my facebook status. In all actuality it wasn't even a reference to her. The next morning I wake up to a comment on my status from Andy saying how when that usually happens to him he finds if he looks in the mirror that is where the problem usually is. WHOA! All I could think is that this A-hole really needed to back off. The comment wasn't about Jessi & even if it was she is fully capable of defending herself. What is he doing putting himself in the middle of this. Next thing I know a few hours later I'm getting flying text messages from Jessi telling me how hurt she is that I would put something on Facebook about her and that she is heartbroken. Again the status was "Sometimes friendships need to be evaluated". NOTHING ABOUT HER!!!! I really didn't even think she would think it was about her until Andy came running to her rescue which is exactly what I told her. I mentioned that it wasn't even pertaining to her and nothing. She just stayed with the thought that it was about her. Maria actually told her who I was thinking of when I wrote that status comment. Still hadn't heard anything! On Christmas day Zeus died. Jess sent me a text. I started to text her back & realized that is not how I would have dealt with it if we weren't at odds so I called her. Of course she didn't pick up the phone so I left her a voicemail telling her how sorry I was & to let me know if she needed something. Jessi got a new dog a few days later. Still haven't heard from here. I sent her a text a few days later saying I had a coupon for some organic dog food if she wanted it. We sent a few texts back & forth so I thought things were ok. We obviously weren't going to deal with the issue but just move beyond it. Ok- not the best scenario but I can deal with it. I sent her a text the next day & once again didn't hear back from her and we're right back to square one.

So, please give me your opinion on this situation. I really don't think I've done anything wrong & even tried to be the bigger person. I'm still so hurt by the way Jessi has acted throughout the whole situation. Never ever have I asked the 3 of them for a place to stay so that in itself should have let them know how bad the situation was. Jessi was also told that the facebook status was not about her. Instead of apologizing for jumping my a** she did nothing. I also think that Andy is a major part in all of this. He was more than willing to try to put the fault on me by telling me to look in the mirror and he knows that Monika, Maria & I are very skeptical of him. Unfortunately for me I'm the loud outspoken one and am the only one who actually shared our doubts with him. What he has to realize is just because I'm the only one who said something doesn't mean I'm the only one thinking it. He had made several comments to Jessi in the past about me hating him. Not true but I think he didn't mind that there was something to create a rift between me & Jessi and don't think he is an unbiased opinion for her to seek on the matter. So, tell me-
1) Have I done anything wrong?
2) Have I been unfair?
3) What do you think I should do about the situation?

I'm asking for your advice so feel free to lay it out there!


Jen on the Edge said...

If it were me, I'd drop the friendship. If she couldn't be bothered to respond when you needed help back in November, then that's all you need to know right there in a nutshell. I think you've more than bent over backwards to make amends and it seems obvious that she's not interested in being your friend.

Susan said...

You did nothing wrong. Sounds like she has some issues that she needs to work through, even if it's just an ahole of a boyfriend. When you take a remark like that to heart, you are seeing what a crappy friend you are being, so she did it to herself. Nothing you could have done differently. I'd say that you should just step back - far back. Don't be mean, but don't go out of your way.