Saturday, May 3, 2008

Please just shoot me now!

Ok...just want to give you fair warning I'm flat out having a pity party. You can quit reading now if you want. I'm just tired, at the end of my rope and dealing with a toxic parent I live with. Its one of those days that I just want to shout from the rooftop "I'M DONE!!!" and drive off into the sunset. Ok...not really since the end goal would preferably be some island that is warm and there are cool, fruity, tropical drinks waiting for me.

This all started because I'm going balls to the wall studying for my Med Term final which is this Monday. Its silly of me because I only need to get 40 points to get an A in the class. I just desperately want an A. It would bring my GPA up and just the satisfaction of it would be nice! Anyhoo, I was a tired camper to begin with and then Princess Bear (PB) started getting sick. I really just thought it was her allergies going into overdrive. The allergy index has been high and the temps have been all over the place. Well, we went from allergy overload to holy cow sick. I took her to the Dr. yesterday thinking that we'd get a script for something to take care of the sinus infection and be on our merry little way. The best laid plans, right? Well it turns out PB has an ear infection, an upper respiratory infection and a sinus infection. To say that she isn't a happy kiddo is putting it mildly. Sleeping is so tough for her because she is so congested. PB being sick isn't that unusual or that stressful though. (For anyone who doesn't know it PB is a special needs child who has a very very low resistance to most illnesses).

Then we have my mom. Let me say that I love my mom. That said I love both of my parents and I do appreciate them letting us live here. I know it isn't easy for them and I know they didn't plan on this. I also know that PB & I would be living at the Salvation Army if we weren't here. I'm just trying to get through school so I can eke out some living so PB and I can be ok on our own. Now the problem is that there are some boundary issues with my parents as well as the good old you live in our house you follow our rules. Now on somethings I can totally understand this. Then there are the personal invasions. My mom also is very verbally abusive. Its the way she is and it certainly isn't going to change at this point in the ball game. I cope the best I can. I am rather forthcoming about my shortcomings and am doing what I can to get my act together. I mean I read the books, I see a therapist (who btw is awesome and really helping me work on many aspects of my life) and have gotten myself on some anti anxiety and antidepression meds and feel pretty good for the most part. I know that this is all a slow process but the biggest part is being honest with myself and moving forward. I guess I should mention that clinical depression has been an issue in my life since I was 13 and there is a huge family history of it (my mom included). I can also admit that I am a slob. I have big issues with clutter and I hate cleaning. What that means is that PB's and my room are in a constant state of chaos. I can understand that it can be somewhat distressing to my parents but to honestly want to throw us out over it seems a bit extreme. They keep on saying its their house and I try to pick things up but honestly I don't even know if totally gutting our rooms and keeping them perfect would fix this. Anyhoo~ my mom laid down the decree of you have one week or you're out. Now I mentioned to my mom that I'm getting ready to go into finals. Can I show them a big improvement and then finish the week after I'm done with finals. Nope she doesn't want to have her Mothers Day ruined. I should also mention that a huge part of the problem with my room is that I have enough stuff to fill 3 rooms. I have things for the bows and bracelets in there as well as just general things. The problem of being on my own and then back here is that I own "X" amount of stuff. I know that things are just things but I really don't want to get rid of everything I own. I have truly dumped a lot of the stuff I can replace later but its still trying to fit 10 lbs of crud in a 5 lb bag. PB's room fluctuates but its big problem is that my parents have forgotten that its a 4 year olds room! I figure if I can pick it up and have it company ready in 15-20 minutes we're ok. Nope not my parents. I also get that PB's room is in the center of the house and that company can see it. Mine is a corner room and if we have company Fluffy (aka Jabba the Cat) is locked in there. Anyway last night my mom couldn't find something in the medicine cabinet/pantry and come to get me as I was trying to get PB to go to sleep. Of course PB followed me (hello! Its an invitation to get out of bed... of course she's going to follow me) My mom is having an all out fit about the state of the closet and how I have so much crap in there that she can't see anything and to find her medicine. I go to the closet and start looking at the bottles of medicine. The one she was looking for was the 2nd or 3rd bottle I picked up. Now to give credit I will say the bottle was totally different but I'm certainly not any brighter than my mom. Bottles do change. I was a little biotch and told my mom to think outside the box. Not nice but not the end of the world either. Mom was just upset because she had to call the pharmacy back and let them know she found it and she really didn't like the pharmacist working last night. Anyway its a full blown tirade into my shit being all over to which I'm like "no not really" So my mom starts dumping things out of the closet. More than 1/2 of what she thought was mine wasn't but try explaining that! Anyway I have a deadline and I'm convinced to make it. Leaving here might not be the best thing for me or even a good thing but overall its a damn good thing for. I'll send some pics as I progress although I didn't take a beginning pic.

Wish me luck! Off to do more cleaning!



Susan said...

Oh hon, it sounds like you are talking about me and my mom. Do what you can to just make it through finals. You will be okay. Do you have a plan if she is serious about it? Do you have someplace to go?

sweetyetsassysarah said...

Don't you just love the mom factor?!!? Thanks for all the encouragement...honestly you have no idea how much it means! Plans? Not really. Salvation Army until I can get one of my BFF here from Ohio to save my butt.

Susan said...

Let me know if there's anything I can do, hon. I mean it, too. I know I'm far away, but we can figure something out.

sweetyetsassysarah said...

Thanks girl! Its hitting the fan here as we speak! I'll try to email you or call you soon! Hope all is well with you & yours!